(navigation image)
Home American Libraries | Canadian Libraries | Universal Library | Community Texts | Project Gutenberg | Children's Library | Biodiversity Heritage Library | Additional Collections
Search: Advanced Search
Anonymous User (login or join us)
Upload
See other formats

Full text of "The Pig Paper #19"

SPECIAL TORNADO EDITION 



THE FIG PAPER@^77 

©1985 PIG PRODUCTIONS ,70 Cotton Drive, Mississauga, Ontario, Canada L5G 1 Z9 j 



y?llVING COLOR 



ON THE TRAIL OF 
THE mUNGAWANIEES 

The Mungawaniees (Hormabuttius, 
Trans Lictum, Ural, Homo) were a 
strange and ancient tribe of 
Prairie Indians who existed long 
ago in what is today called 
Oklahoma. Historians- and scholars 
look with a cheap sort of disgust 
upon the Mungawaniees and a dis- 
gusted and impatient look comes 
across their faces whenever the 
name is mentioned. 

The main pillar of the ancient 
Mungawaniee "religion" was a 
mixture of sexual perversion and 
tornado worship, which is the 
primary reason that educated and 
respectable men look with loathing 
upon this dirty, barbaric people. 
This religion of theirs also 
resulted in their extinction, 
weakening their gene pools and 
turning them into aimless nomads 
later massacred by healtheir 
tribes. The POungawaniees didn T t 
fish, hunt or farm, spending most 
of their time engaged in rites of 
tornado communication and sacrifice, 
waiting to be sucked up into heaven 
by tornados that never came. 

Their practice was to select 
the most beautiful virgin from 
among the tribe and sacrifice her 
to a tornado, placing her on a 
large phallic-shaped throne con- 
structed out of mud and rocks to 
await the tornado. The Mungawaniees 
viewed tornados as holy, and anyone 
who died in a tornado, they believed 
would experience multiple orgasms 
and go straight to heaven. While the 
virgin was thus seated, the rest of 
them danced, chanted, engaged in 



lYou TUX) SmfalSzE 

uoU*r Do too 

SUCCESSFUL 9ZLA- 
-ttCIOSHl? ?? 



.SCATS' /Y\€ 
/TIMES 1 00NT 









k. 



unnatural sexual acts and cut 
themselves with sharp objects. 
In order not to "corrupt" or 
"offend" the virgin, they wore 
animal heads while engaging in 
the sexual acts. 

If a tornado did come along, 
as perhaps once or twice it did, 
it would invariably wipe out the 
whole tribe. This was viewed as a 
blessing by the survivors, since 
obviously they had been guilty of 
some divine transgression and 
this was just punishment. But 
more than likely they would 
simply starve or die of thirst or 
bleed to death waiting for a 
tornado, or another tribe would 
come across them and take great 
delight in slaughtering them. 
They hated the Mungawaniees. Yet 
the skulls of the tornado- 
worshippers were so thick that 
their enemies' stone axes often 
broke over them. 




While museums throughout the 
country display tons of old clay 
vases, plates, jugs and stone 
arrowheads of other historical 
tribes, the curators are loathe 
to set out the small, worthless 
and usually obscene clay mouldings 
of the Mungawaniees. The walls of 
the caves in which they once 
dwelt are lined with chaotic 
figures of hard-ons, tornados and 



deer and bison. Archeologists 
have been known to dynamite 
these caves upon finding them. 

Other reasons the 
Mungawaniees remain obscure in 
the pages of history are: (1) 
they were wiped out by other 
tribes long before the advance of 
white settlers, and (2) they had 
no written language, and even 
their verbal language consisted 
of nothing but a series of grunts 
groans and obscene gestures. How 
they survived as long as they did 
is a puzzle to experts. They 
slept in caves and holes dug in 
the ground, and even in trees, 
and they barely managed to feed 
and clothe themselves by killing 
the odd wild animal - usually 
sick or wounded - they stumbled 
upon, and by stealing the stores 
of other tribes. 

While other tribes such as 
the Aztecs and Incas established 
great civilizations, the 
Mungawaniees believed their 
great civilization would be 
built in the sky after they had 
all been killed by tornados. 

The foremost authority on the 
Mungawaniees is Professor Leopold 
Winter, who lives in a YMCA in New 
York City and subsists on Social 
Security checks. The study of the 
Mungawaniees has become an 
obsession with the elderly pro- 
fessor, who started out in Real 
Estate. 






LETTERS 

Bookseller 

452E Queen Street West 
Toronto, Ontario 
M5V 2A8 
CANADA 

416-864-0114 

- USED - RARE - 
- FIRST EDITIONS - 
- COLLECTORS ITEMS - 
- INDEPENDENT PRESS - 



bij A<L*L^KlKUfdAS-©l\<?S~ 



JU?T &YJMT 

x D<WT tEUSH 
THE i0EA t Of iC 

FRIGID BITC^ 
CONTftfcT *0~y 



K l S3Sc5iCKEG 

TO T/C Hl/£,„ 

ooujn to -me 



eV5 



YOU BlMDIE! 
DON'T SWT 

fOOL- /VWTHO) 
DRUNK ^ 60 
50AC NToufc HW>' 
\H fV 80TTi£ 



V^ 



LIVING WITH AN 
IMPOTENT CWP 
MKEVoo IS 

You PMS WO0T- 
H£ftOU Vo<£ 

SLOTH !f 



%' 




fy~TT21i store could it? 

tfSmSmZS S: It's soiewhere in LA, and you won't find it. 

r C+&+&* People walk in, buy the Dream Syndicate record 

*t£ZX&* and tbe ^ donft ^^ it?s 1XB coz you canft see my 

- *Z!*-&*~P k M: K° w do ^ ] * ncM y^ 1 re y 00 then? „ 

rX^^S- S: I work at Vinyl Fetish, my real name is Joesph; 
^rt^fc^eck* Hi! 

iSj*^*^* 1 ^ Joseph Peck saved my life, 
^&-^"dsJS: Is this gonna be a direct transcription? 
f^^T^M: ^ nQt at 3ii ##0 no > un> uh, 
•S-S^-SS: fell that's no fun, 

r XZ*AsM: I mean like we'll take out things like, uh, 
;S-*pT*2um, well NOT like what I'm saying ri§ 




r X^*i 




execpt for like the "uh"s and, uh, the 



\< 



un s««. 

G: Those we put more in. 

S: And when we repeat, repeat our selves 

actually, or sense make none, lin, like it adds 

flavor. 

S: We walked to the store, we walked to the 

store, we walked to the store, we walked to the 

store, we walked to the store.... 

M: [Assuring the narrative:] "The phone rang. 

Some one else answered. Steve paced. Wow, a this 

is a Za Zen interview... gee, Zen records". 

S: My favorite record store. 

Say you had a half page in TIME magazine. What 
would you do with it? 

Probably draw a color picture, then cover it 









4 






Owiis *&^«*Q| 




in black, and scrape the black away. 

How 'bout long bowing? [lawn bowling? -Ed.] 

What do you think of long bowing? 

I don' t want to talk about it. 
_ No, really. How 'bout guns? Do you like things 
that shoot things and all that? 
S: Guns? 
M: I don't want to drag you down, but I think 



rns are funn. 
Guns? Well, 






Do 




JEAM KNIGHT 
"MR. BIG STUFF"/ 
"YOU THINK YOU'RE 
HOT STUFF" (Stax- 
Stx 1014) 3/73 

This, along with 
the collected 
works of Big Star 
was the last gasp 
of Stax/Memphis. 
She sounds so 
bitchy it's 
bitchin'! Pre- 
cision-fitting 
guitar and horn 
parts mesh to- 
gether to make 
this a fond mem- 
ory of my first 
'mixed party' back 
in the 7th grade. 
(Remember that?) 
THE ROLLING STONES 
"I WANNA BE YOUR 
MAN"/"N0T FADE 
AWAY" (London L9657) 
3/64 

Is this a marriage 



in heaven or what? 
The Stones cower 
of a Beatles tune, 
and it shreds the 
original (even Jagger 
can outsing Ringo 
when necessary). Keef 
does a brilliant 20- 
second guitar solo that 
sounds like nails on a 
chalkboard. All of this 
and yet this track has 
never surfaced on a 
North American lp. I'm 
not sure you can get 
the single anymore.*. 
PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS 

"Him OR ME (WHAT'S IT 
GONNA BE?)/ f> HUNGRY" 
(URC 1044) 

As our editor once put 
it, "H or TO, their 
crowning achievement". 
This track never ap- 
peared on the original 
greatest hits compila- 
tion (circa '67) and 
the double-lp anthology 
has long since been de- 
leted. The people at 
Underground took pity on 
us mortals and released 
it as a single. Ue are 
eternally grateful... 



^ 



o H 




it f s like this... Guns are OK. 

G,M: [shock] 

S: Our band's very involved in the liberal cause 

WHAT!?? Did he really say that? No. I didn ! t. 

Sorry Karl. 

M: What do you think of nuclear veste? 

S: Karl is a major liberal. I saw Karl; he was 

marching at the Palladium, so Karl's a liberal. 

It's true. 

M: I remember seeing you guys at an anti-nuclear 

event. 

S: Yes. It's true. But we were mislead. We 

thought it ttas to build a new MX missle plant. Vk 

were premised $20(US) and Jane Fonda. 

M: What DID they deliver? 

S: Tom Hayden. 

M: Don Heading? 

S: No, actually, Pat Hayden. Which is worse 

you know who Pat Hayden is? I got lost. 

M: No, but I'm sure Gary does. "He knows 

evertning" . 

G: No I don't... Ch, yes I do. The sister or 

mother of Jane's hubby who went on to become 

famous for- 

S: [sudden realization and total awe] Are YOU 

Gary Pig? 

G: Yes. 

S: [swooning] Oh Man... 

G: I don't tell anyone though, coz they never 

believe me. 

S: God. I know Gary Pig's REAL name! 

M: No you don't. 

— tape noise, scratch click ■ — 

M: QC, we're running out of tape. Quick. What 1 
I your favorite chord? 
Uf S: THAT'S a good one; it's- [tape ends; 
k li quickly flip tape, but alas, Too Late...] 

G: On behalf of Dream Syndicate, how about 

something Warm & Relevant to wynn over our 

readers with? 
J« S: I wish everyone of you could live in my living 

* room with me and share my carrots. I love you 
Jfall. 
T»g,M: How swset. You eat vegetables. 

* S: I wrote "Some Kind Of Itch" for all of you. I 
| love you. 

*M: Ahnhhhh. We're in tears, [sniff] Touching; 
I that was touching. 
| G: A little heart at the ending. 



I' 
S 



we 



NNft 

IN' 
N 



V 






N 
N 



N 



^4se^SStS^iSS«^R